Ugh

We are really having a rough time. I feel anxious, sad and angry all at once and my chest feels like its being squished or I had the wind knocked out of me. This past week has been the worst time I can remember for a really long time. I miss Diesel every second of every day. I can barely go out and call Gunner in at night because I think about Diesel. I keep looking down the lane or out in the fields hoping to see him running home. I know some people won't understand, after all he's a dog. But for me, I guess, he was like a child. I took care of his every need, he in return loved me, we cuddled, I talked to him... even the little stuff like giving him baths and feeling his warm little body in bed at night. Every thing I think about him makes me want to cry. Oh, I have cried. We love him so much, and we wish more than anything right now, that he'd just show up. He went missing last Tuesday night. After much searching and then freaking out on my part (thanks to my father in law for letting me soak his sleeve) we had come to the horrible conclusion that coyotes had taken Diesel because they were fighting with some neighbor dogs that evening. I was really starting to feel like I could accept that, however sad, and just remember him lovingly. I had really starting to come to terms with the situation.

But today was really hard. A neighbor thought they had seen him last night. And so again we searched for hours, driving around, walking, calling, waiting. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up, I kept telling myself how unlikely it was. But after talking to all the nieghbors in this particular neighborhood it sounded more likely that he WAS around, and we started to get really excited. I sent pictures over and its turns out they don't think it was him after all. And if it was, well tonight is going to be cold and really windy, and I hope he makes it .... So, back to square one I guess. I have only seen Chad tear up twice, and once was today.